Healing from Absent father wounds

Yall. Father’s Day is a huge TRIGGER for me because my father is alive and well but absent in my life.

Speaking on this subject is hard because I am 33 years old and here I am, still holding on to the hurt I thought I diminished long ago.

An absent parent is like a student that doesn’t show up for class. If they do show up, they choose to lay their head down on the desk and sleep until the bell rings. However, this student is confused as to why their name is never called for awards. Hopefully, this student will hear the bell and wake up.

Yea, that’s my father. He doesn’t call, text, email, visit, engage with grandkids, remember birthdays or send smoke signals but wants all the daddy accolades. 

Short Story

Ever since I was a little girl, everything has been about him and what materialistic items he possesses. Most of my childhood, my father was not around. Although he would pop up every now and then, it didn’t feel like he was there for us.

I cringed at the sound of his car pulling into our driveway because there was no telling what energy he was about to bring. I also hated the way he treated my mom. I wished so much as a little girl that he would change and he would want to be around or simply hang out with us.

The lack of a relationship with my father has been extra heavy on my heart for about a year now. I had done the work to forgive and move on, but the emotions returned.

Below, I will unpack the reasons I believe this is happening.

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My goal is to encourage the process of healing for someone dealing with the wounds from an emotionally absent, absent-minded, or flat out absent father. The emotions you feel are valid and should be addressed for peace within yourself.

I mean, we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them; the least they could do is love us, right?

Opening Remarks

Everyone’s absent father situation is different and should not be taken lightly. Sit quietly and think or write down your feelings, wants, pros and cons, and always be honest with yourself. At times, our hurt from being neglected can hide in our everyday lives. For a while, I picked the wrong men, I gave up on great men, I held low self-esteem, and I didn’t believe I was worthy of anything great. I was jealous of the father/daughter relationship of others and the list goes on.

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Be sure to unpack it all for yourself and deal with it one step at a time. You can truly heal from absent father wounds with or without him. Remember to pursue healing for yourself and to forgive even though you may not ever hear the words “I’m sorry”.

Below is how I processed my resurfaced emotions.

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What are you feeling? (Warning: this is a mini vent)

Ask yourself these questions and GO OFF in your writing, aloud, or your personal choice of a release. Don’t hold back. Initially, don’t worry about grammar.
*Curse words are ALLOWED.*

I am feeling broken, let down, anxious and confused. My birthday is always within a few days of Father’s Day and he never remembers it but looks forward to a Father’s Day acknowledgment. Or maybe he does remember my birthday but just doesn’t care. When he does call, it’s because my mom has called him and argued with him about why it’s important to call his daughter. (eye roll) I have begged for her to stop doing that. But, she’s a mother. So, here we are.

For some time, I religiously called him every Father’s Day because it was the “right thing to do.” Hmm. Well, I didn’t feel that way this year. It wouldn’t have been genuine. So, I didn’t call and I don’t regret it.

I have 2 daughters who do not know I actually have a father. The kicker is that he moved from Miami up to Atlanta (about 45 minutes away from my house) and he has only come to my house twice. Neither visit felt like genuine visits.

I have so many questions like:

“Do you even care about me?”

“Do you know how to be a father?”

“If you had to choose between your car, clothes, jewelry, and your children, which would you choose?”

“Why can’t you just love us, hug us, inquire about our kids, genuinely come around, spend time with us, take us on dates, go for a walk in the park… can we just talk?”

“Who are you besides my father?”

I am feeling half empty to have a parent that is alive but decides to be absent.

Why am I feeling this?

They say “A girl’s first true love is her father”. Sigh. This is true.

I showed love to my father in so many ways growing up. But, I’ll never forget the time I worked to earn enough money to buy him some cologne. I believe it was in 6th grade. I knew he loved getting gifts, so I helped a neighbor with some house chores to earn about $50 and bought the cologne.

Later, I gave him the gift bag with cologne in it as I smiled knowing he would love it.

My mom was there and was proud of me. He took the cologne out, grinned slowly, and said “Dog girl, this is a small bottle”. I cried and that memory has forever been engraved into my head. My mom had to tell him that was not the right thing to say. He eventually one arm hugged me and that was the end of that. I haven’t bought him anything else since then.

I just want my father to love me more than the material things money can buy. I wish he knew how wonderful I am. I wish he knew how amazing his other two daughters are. I wish he knew how wonderful his grandkids are. I wish I could call him and talk to him about random stuff.

I have so many wishes but not enough coins to throw into the wishing well.

How can I move past these emotions?

I have 2 options:

1. I can write it out, pray, meditate, and release.
2. I can pray, emotionally plan, and approach my father with my feelings with the intent to talk it out and release (whether the outcome is negative or positive… hopefully, the latter).

Option 1

I am releasing all my feelings out of my head and onto paper. After laying it all out there, I can pray about it and meditate in silence on how to release this mark on my heart. It’s a start in the right direction of healing and more healing mechanisms are listed below.

Option 2

I have years of pain bottled up – I will need to organize my thoughts and plan an appropriate approach so it is delivered in a way that is easy to receive and not delivered as an attack. With this option, my goal would be to sort through the pain in an attempt to repair a relationship that has been underwater for as long as the Titanic.

I truly believe relationships can be mended if both people are willing to do the work.

Do I engage or abort the mission?!

If you are struggling with how to handle the relationship of an absent father, keep reading. Below are questions that helped me realize the role I play in this mission, my strength, growth, needs, and wants which helped me decide on how to move forward.

Questions to myself:

1. Do you want a relationship with your father (be honest)? Have you thought about him hugging you, taking you on a daughter/father date? If so, then the answer here is “yes”
2. Have you told your father how it makes you feel that he is absent?
3. Does he know how you feel about him as a person?
4. How will you forgive him even if things remain the same?
5. Are you willing to approach your father with an open mind and heart?
6. If he decided to become present in your life, would you let him?

Questions processed for me

1- Yes. I’d like to get to know him. I’d definitely like a father/daughter date.

2- No. I felt like it was unnecessary because it’s pretty obvious, right? Well, maybe I shouldn’t assume it’s so obvious and at least speak up. At least then I know he knows and if he chooses to do nothing with that information, I have done my part.

3- I think so. I have stopped calling. I don’t call on Holidays. I have also become absent. Hmm. I believe a person can sense a strong dislike. But, this isn’t the kind of vibes I want to give off. Eeek. This has to be addressed.

4- I will utilize Option 1 and I am at the point where I know it’s not me. I can accept the father figures I currently have and be happy where I am. I want to feel a sense of peace whether I am around him or not. The only way to close the pain is to acknowledge it and deal with it. When the hurt is recurring, it’s begging for attention. I guess I have my answer.

5- Yes.

6- With boundaries set and easing into it. I would ease my kids into it after some time of knowing he will be present. I don’t want him to become a ghost on them.

My decision: First, I’d like to say I have been bitter for a long time. I expected my father to be present and understand how I’m feeling without even informing him. I am choosing to give him the benefit of a doubt. Well, it will be hard, but I have chosen to carefully plan out an informative talk. I must prepare myself emotionally. You all pray for me. 

If you have concluded that you will not engage, that is perfectly fine. It just might not be the right time, unless that is your wish. We seriously have to be emotionally ready to deal with wounds like this.

Revisit option one to write it out, pray, meditate, and release for now. Please do consult a therapist if needed. Therapists provide excellent coping strategies.

4 ways to start the healing process

1. Write to your father in a letter.
   Whether you give it to him or not. Lay it all out there!
2. Put yourself in his shoes.
   We sometimes forget that our father was once a young boy. How was his childhood? What was he taught? Did he have a father figure? Did he experience any trauma? Although not an excuse, their past plays a huge part in who they are and maybe we are the ones who need to address it. Just maybe. This could also help us understand that we are not to blame.
3. Allow yourself to feel every emotion freely
   Go ahead and cry, yell, shout. Now, understand that you are not to blame!
4. Acknowledge and accept your father for who he is
   Remember that you can never change a person. You can inform him of what he is doing or has done and let that be it. Go into it knowing that you want to forgive, release for yourself and move forward in whichever direction it may go.

Additional resources for different scenarios:

• If you are an absent parent, go and repair these wounds for you and for them. Start now. You also should emotionally prepare yourself. Just because you are ready doesn’t mean they will be. Be gentle.
• If you are a parent of younger kids dealing with the pain of an absent parent, encourage them to write out their feelings as well and help them unpack it and process it. It’s not their fault. Also, check out additional tips below.
  https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-talk-to-children-about-absentee-fathers-2997224

Let’s heal!

Heal baby girl, heal.

Jasmine