In quarantine, I’ve held some pretty high standards and expectations of myself. I was not allowing myself time to digest it all and adjust. I thought my same routine would work just the same, but it wasn’t working. The thing about living intentional is that you have to truly give thought to things that require your time and energy.
During this trying time, I require rest, quality time with my husband/kids and a work life that doesn’t consume me. That is all. I plan to stick with that for a while until I feel the need to adjust again. Being realistic with the time I actually have and taking care of the things most important to me is priority. I have to take care of myself, my family, my house and work to pay these bills. Am I right?!?
So, if you feel overwhelmed… you may be putting too much on your plate and expecting way too much from yourself. Adjust accordingly.
In making a shift to my expectations for myself, it had me thinking about the expectations I would hold for others. It used to affect me badly.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” – Maya Angelou
What I expected of others
In the past, I was repeatedly let down and hurt by the same people. I held expectations based on what I would do instead of the track record of the other person.
I expected people to:
- treat me the way I treated them
- keep their word
- pay me back when they “got their next check”
- help me the way I helped them
- be as “genuine” when I wasn’t around like they were in my face
- know they had wronged me without me mentioning anything to them
I expected people to CHANGE.
It was such an ongoing cycle it hurt me to the core. I held on to the pain it caused me, as they went on with their day. My day would be dictated by the anger I held because of what someone else did to me. Surely my friends were tired of hearing me vent about it. Sorry y’all. It was pure insanity. Doing the same thing but expecting a different result. I had to take a serious look at what was happening and why I was the only person being hurt by this.
Well, in looking at myself, I was to blame. In some instances, it was my fault for allowing these things to happen. I wasn’t intentional with my time, relationships, money or truly grasping the intentions of others. People truly show their intentions the 1st time. I believe it’s important to note that this doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. People are who they are.
We must accept that.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” – Maya Angelou
How I corrected my way of thinking
I used to lend money freely, say “yes” to nearly every invite to parties or just overload my calendar with stuff to do for others. I love to help, but not at the expense of taking care of myself. Then, when it was my turn to invite people to a gathering or ask for help, I EXPECTED the same energy with my stuff. This way of thinking was so wrong. First, I should have been “giving” freely instead of “lending” freely. When you give, you don’t expect anything back. Although, if the person decides to return the gift back to you, it’s a bonus.
Whether you label it as a “gift” or “loan”, mentally accept it as a gift to them.
Now, the day has come where you have 3 parties to attend.
How overwhelming is that?!
It’s so important to be intentional with our time because we never get it back. There are no do overs. Now, when someone asks me for my time, I
politely tell them I will get back to them unless it’s a known fact whether I can or I can’t. There are things that I know I can’t miss or won’t miss because it’s just a MUST (graduations, milestone events,etc.).
Anything outside of a MUST ATTEND event, think about it, give it some thought. Everything seems amazing and doable at the time until you have to actual put forth the effort to make good on your word.
Ask yourself these questions the next time someone asks for something (time, money, favor, anything):
- Would I be doing this from the heart?! If not, don’t bother going through with it.
- If the “loan” wasn’t returned to you or the favor wasn’t reciprocated back, would you be ok with it?
If the answer is “yes” to both questions… today
is their lucky day!!!
5 things I’ve incorporated to be intentional in life and not expect so much from others.
- Realize that just like you, the other person has the right to decline, set boundaries and do what’s right for them as well.
Simply put. - Don’t hold unrealistic expectations.
It’s important to note that there’s not one soul on this earth like YOU. Everyone is different.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” – Maya Angelou
Basically, everyone will show you what to expect of them. Keep them there, don’t raise the bar for them. - Do things expecting NOTHING in return. Period.
When you begin to expect something back, that is where the high expectations and the wrong way of thinking begin. - Speak up if things get out of line.
Like, if someone agrees to do something and end up not coming through on their word more times than not. Speak up. This should only be required one time.
People need to know when they are not living up to their word. Give them the benefit of the doubt. This used to be a hard one for me, speaking up. clearly they know, right?!? - **Set Boundaries**
Whew! I need to write a whole post about this one. Don’t allow anyone to crush your spirit, burn through your money, cross the line or do anything to cause strife in your life. (oww. that rhymes) In setting boundaries… make it about yourself and not the other person. That other person will remain who they are. So, focus on things you want, can do or can handle.
One boundary I set:
Being firm on my “no” without being required to explain my reasoning.
Let’s set realistic expectations for ourselves as well as others. We can only be ourselves and accept the same of others. Let’s grant ourselves that.
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With love,
Jasmine
Live Happi Girl
These are fantastic realizations. As a therapist, I am constantly stressing the importance of boundary setting with my clients. It is the make or break for a lot of people who are not used to engaging in healthy relationships!
Yes! Definitely had to learn how to set boundaries. So necessary. I have had my share of unhealthy relationships!
I also feel like I sometime forget that the people I care about aren’t mindreaders. I can’t expect them to know about how I feel and what I expect from them. Communication is just so important! 🙂
Exactly! I agree. Speak up so everyone is on the same page and know what’s what. Very important. 💛
I was definitely that person, I would expect a person to be “like me”… that had to change quickly! Meaning I had to change my mindset that everyone is not like you. Especially when you are giving with money or your time. Great post Jas!
Very useful post! I also believe that we have to go easy on ourselves and others especially in these challenging days. Thanks for sharing
Yes we do!
Great post, I really enjoyed reading! I love how you included a section on how you corrected your thinking, shows that everyone has room to improve 🙂
Anika | chaptersofmay.com
Aww. Thanks. I totally believe in pointing out what can be corrected and then following up with solutions!
Exactly! Expecting nothing in return is the best advice. Do with your heart and expect nothing in return. Loved it 🙂
Exactly! Thanks. Glad you enjoyed the read.
This is such a clarity post for me, as I felt the same as you in the start of quarantine. The 5 tips are really eye-opening! I have written these down to remember 🙂
I’m glad those 5 tips are useful to you. That means a lot to me. 🤗
Ugh, I relate to this. It’s hard when you expect others to think the same way as you. Especially when you give them your all.
Agreed! Give them what you can sis.
This is a great way to look at relationships. Definitely need to reflect on this more
I love that Maya Angelou quote! I wrote my very first blog post about it! I think you have some great ideas here. At the end of the day, the only person you can control is yourself, so when you hold yourself accountable you just have to let go of everyone else’s actions.
That’s awesome! I’d have to check it out. Can you share the link? Yes, you can only be responsible for yourself.