The Awakening of my Self Awareness

The words Self Awareness stands out as powerful, emotional but yet intimidating to me. This year has been full of “self” type words and here was another one that had crept up on me. I was not one to do many “self” type activities, however, I was forced to learn this year.

What started as a planned 4-week blog break, turned into an 8-week hiatus from social media and blogging. 

My break was intended for some intentional blog analytics and brainstorming, but it was mostly me on duty for other things. Once it was time to end my blog break, I felt a pull inside of me that left me unmotivated. I tried to force myself because it was something I loved, but it just didn’t feel right. Quickly, I gave up attempting to jump back in, “on time”. 

Soon after deciding to step back and analyze this new internal resistance, the negative thoughts started to flood my mind. 

Maybe my passion for blogging was gone. 

Looking through my past posts, I commented: 
“Oh, my posts aren’t all that good, this one only has 5 comments”.

Then, “Am I even good enough?”

Will people stop following me for being gone for so long?

Sigh.

I love to write and now I was being met with resistance that didn’t make sense to me.

My break down

With social media, politics, COVID, heavy personal thoughts and responsibilities – I became emotionally paralyzed. 

I was in a constant struggle with different emotions that hindered me from moving past them. I was stuck and not aware of my paralyzed state until it had gotten bad. 

How it Happened:

As I scrolled on social media, I compared myself with others. They were getting shit done and I was not. I clicked on so many beautiful pages and all I could think about was my blog break. I started to see all these branding ads and pages that reminded me of what I was lacking. But, again, I was on break.

Then, the Presidential Election almost took me out. I couldn’t understand how so many people voted for a man that could care less for the human race amongst so many other things. 

And then, of course, COVID… Must I say more?! 

My husband told me I had checked out, and quickly I denied it.

All-day, my kids required so much attention that I didn’t have time for myself. 

Any type of awareness for myself was a distant thought.

My daughter, Malia, attends virtual school and her teacher assigns schoolwork every day that’s due by 3 pm. It was daunting while also trying to keep her 1-year-old sister from writing on Malia’s schoolwork or pulling a chair down on herself.

Then, I also had dinner to make at the same time with a To-Do list still packed with things to do well after the kids went to bed. Sometimes I took my frustrations out on the kids, which each time I had to apologize and give hugs.

I began to eat a lot of junk food and overeat on whatever was around. I’m a stress eater and I was holding a lot of freaking stress.

My anxiety rushed over me consistently as I questioned if I was on the right path, if I was ruining my marriage, or if I was letting my kids down.

Then one night, I just couldn’t bear it and ended up on the bathroom floor pulling an unlimited amount of tissues from a box… crying.

I cried, alone.

For hours, I silently yelled at myself all the questions I didn’t know the answers to. I yelled about how my kids didn’t deserve this, how my husband deserved better, and questioned how could someone unhappy run a happiness blog.

This was all around the time I was expected to return from my break.

I had reached the bottom.

After calming down and talking gently to myself… that’s when I began to awaken to all the things I let slip away from the overuse of my checklist.

My breakthrough to Self Awareness

I removed myself from everything to focus on myself. No social media. No visitors. No cell phone. Just, me.

With puffy red eyes, I woke up early and meditated in silence with my eyes closed for a little relief. I could sense my calming blue candle that burned nearby for what felt like 4 hours. Well, it had only been about 30 minutes and a question popped into my head.

What do you need?

It was as if my mind was shuffling through questions in my head and then that question was chosen. Such a simple one I thought, right?!

So, in my journal, I wrote the question down and began to write all the things that came to mind. 

My Top 4 things written down:

1. Time for personal breaks throughout the day
2. Physical activity for my health
3. Better communication with husband
4. Get back to blogging because it makes me happy

Yall. I had let so much in that didn’t feed me and
I never exhaled any of it out. 

So, I looked over my list and decided I would write action behind each of them.

Need: Time for personal breaks throughout the day
Action: Lessen my To-Do list and leave space for unplanned personal time. Period. I am important.

Need: Physical activity for my health
Action: Physical activity. Make an intentional and doable schedule for me to work out at least 30 minutes a day, 3 days a week. Although this will be my minimum and my starting point, this works for me. I told myself, just as I financially invest first, I have to do the same for my physical health.

Need: Better communication with husband
Action: My husband told me I had checked out amongst other things, and I was so quick to deny it. Turns out, my husband was right. I had checked out. I was on autopilot. I vowed to better communicate with him, listen, and discuss critical issues for us. Although we are individuals, we also are partners for life and always looking out for each other.

Need: Get back to blogging because it makes me happy
Action: I will lessen the number of times I write a blog monthly and open the blog up for contributors. I created Live Happi Girl to be community-based. Although, mainly my voice, I want to have more discussions, more inclusion of other ladies on the journey of intentional living and happiness. 

I was operating full speed with my To-Do list without grace, awareness of when to slow down, and sometimes without a concrete reason behind my moves.

I became aware that checking boxes were my thing. Everything just had to get done! But, no, it doesn’t if I’m depleted. 

It doesn’t if my marriage is not getting proper attention. 

It doesn’t if I’m not making time for my physical, mental and emotional needs. I mean, I have mental illnesses that need attention and finding out about self awareness has truly been God sent.

Inside each of us is an internal voice that tells us exactly what we need. We have to listen to her. She knows.
Make sure you are internally aware and tuned in.

A to-do list is necessary, but there truly is a proper way to create one. 

My To-Do list remains but significantly reduced as I remain aware of what I need and less of what’s on the list.

Endpoints:

• If you have a spouse, trusted family or close friend telling you that things have changed or that your demeanor needs a check, listen. They truly mean well.
• If your To-Do list is constantly packed to the max, it leaves you less time to be aware. Declutter your list.
• If Social Media seems draining, do an audit to be sure you are following the right people for your feed. Also, set boundaries for social media
• Take a Social Media break and write down your intentions for it, set boundaries so it doesn’t soak up your good energy.
• Self Awareness can slip away from you especially in a year like this, take many breaks to reflect on yourself. Literally anything can take you away from being aware of self.
• We are in a very unique time, move to the beat of your drum. Even if it means not moving at all at some points.
• The world is changing, I am changing, you are changing and this new Self Awareness practice will help guide us to where we need to be.

Being aware of yourself improves your mood, allows for more effective communication, and makes decision making easier when you understand who you are and what you need.

Homework:

I love when my therapist gives me homework, it forces me to take action. So, I hope you get something from this exercise.

Ask your spouse or closest friends for feedback on your demeanor, the way you speak to others, flaws, any critics they want to share. Inform them that you are doing a self-awareness check-in and open to listen without fight! 

Be vulnerable. This may sometimes turn into a deep conversation, allow it.
Acknowledge their feedback and thank them when they are done.

Now, the work begins. Write it all down and analyze it. 

What are your thoughts on Self Awareness?

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XO, Jasmine